*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.