Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Best table by far
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!