[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
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There…fixed it 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Him: What鈥檚 in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don鈥檛 get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that鈥檚 a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I鈥檓 helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children鈥檚 names these days are completely out of hand.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they鈥檒l wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 馃檨
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i鈥檓 sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers