Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
channeling her this year
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?