I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Just this preview of the story is enough
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.