It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
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I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“TGIM!” – My liver
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
🤣
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus