a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
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cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Breaking news:
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda