Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.