Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.