– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.