Heroic Misunderstanding
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
won’t smith
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
i did the math