I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars