Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*frowns in Scottish*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!