I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
You Might Also Like
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
every. time.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.