Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year