I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS