wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
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[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.