It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Sending in my taxes
Breaking news:
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Friday
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.