Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
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*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath