Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.