Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
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[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
catch me on valentine’s day like
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Saturday
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off