BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
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CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”