Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
You Might Also Like
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Ion see the issue
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Succinctly put.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark