Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
WHO DID THIS?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky