Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Well, this certainly took a turn
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If poetry is dead, then explain this: