Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.