I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
The news is so predictable nowadays
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Merica.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
#ParentingFacts
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Was it something I said?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!