It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
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only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Netflix: We have Less
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.