Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
You Might Also Like
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
We have a winner.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If only
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”