People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.