I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.