Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
love it when they get my name right
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad