Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*