(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
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MAX
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.