Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
🌱🌱🌱
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.