My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
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I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
This was a bad idea all around
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)