[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
You Might Also Like
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier