I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
You Might Also Like
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*