Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
never ask a starfish for directions
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.