All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week