Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Guys, I found it.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.