8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
beware of dog
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.