Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.