“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird