Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I love you…
…r dog.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Poetry is my passion
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon