There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.