My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
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I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My therapist after every session
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I put the p in pants.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
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me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
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[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
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[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .