Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Good morning, Twitter x
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”