To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.