[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
mechanics be like
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
#Caturday
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’